Tuesday, June 5, 2007


I wrote this article for Paris Hilton a few years back when she was going to jail, but I thought I would regurgitate this for the ever beautiful Lindsey Lohan

So Lindsay Lohen has gone to jail. Whether this causes you to weep or rejoice, you have to wonder, how is she going to stay in shape while she's in the slammer? There are no personal trainers in the Big House; you can't get low-fat smoothies in the Mess Hall.

But if anything, 90 days in the Lynwood’s Century Regional Detention Facility could offer Lindsay a chance to get into the best shape of her life. And if your apartment is the size of jail cell, this workout plan might appeal to you, too.

1. Cardio

The 2,200 inmates at Century probably can’t wait to get their hands on Lindsay, and running away from them would certainly fulfill the cardio portion of her regime, but Lohan will be segregated from the general population for her own safety.

 She will however get one hour each day outside the cell, where she can go to the yard and do a slight jog for 30 minutes, three times a week. You, on the other hand, have the freedom to choose a route through your neighbourhood or local park.

2. Arms

Too bad TMZ cameras won’t be able to follow Lindsay to prison - wouldn’t it be great if they caught her pumping up Cape Fear-style? Comedy gold! Maybe picturing it will help you get motivated.

You can do push ups and chair/bed dips anywhere, even a 12-by-8 foot cell, and three sets of 10 reps each exerciser a day should have Lindsay looking like the hardened criminal she is by the time her sentence is up.

3. Abs

There's no rest for the wicked and there will be no lounging in bed until noon once Lindsay starts serving her time. But she can get to work on her abs from the comfort of her cot.

Using different variations on the traditional sit-up - like bicycle sit-ups, crunches, leg raises and oblique twists - she can chisel her abs til they look like even the sharpest shiv would just bounce right off. If three sets of 10 reps of each exercise is too much for you, vary the exercise each morning.

4. Butt and Legs

While less motivated cons just pace their cells, our girl would do well to practice lunges instead. That way, when she's released she can celebrate by going out on the town sans underwear to show off her assets, as per usual. Lindsay is probably used to doing squats with hand-weights, but unless she tears out the sink and toilet, she'll have to go without for three weeks. Upping her reps from 10 to 15 will help her keep her legs slim until she's out.

5. Diet

The only institution more renowned for its bad food than prison is the hospital. And it does sound pretty miserable: dinner is the only hot meal of the day, beef and pork are not permitted, so protein will come in poultry form and all the meals are low in sodium. Starving yourself slim does not fly with the guards, and Lindsay will be expected to eat her fill.

Three healthy square meals a day combined with regular exercise will improve Lindsay' muscle tone and with any luck she'll look better coming out than she did going in. Or maybe not: hair extensions are forbidden in prison.

Funk Roberts
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